College Majors: Theater

You know, tonight I think I'll talk about college majors.

So, you're in college. You're excited to be here, but somehow, you're a third year and are still undeclared! What to do? Well, here's the first in a hopefully long series of posts on college majors.

Theater: What the f*ck are you going to do with this? Even ART MAJORS can get jobs, unlike you guys. Unless you go to a dedicated theater school or a school with mad connections in entertainment (cough USC. cough NYU. cough.) or have a very well connected set of parents, you'd best have a second major, or several minors. In 99% of cases, theater majors don't even have the talent of a Disney Channel background extra, despite their belief that they outshine DiCaprio at acting, and Shakespeare at writing. Interestingly enough, these are the kids who believe they write "deep" poetry, have ten-mile-long "quotes" sections on any given social network, are very "artsy," constantly update Facebook with self-centered overly-emotional statuses, and in general are strongly disliked by majors that will have careers after graduation.

He's crying not because of teenage angst, but because he's been out of college three years with his Theater degree, and still works at Dave's Tattoo Emporium... as the janitor.

Seriously, and this bashing is coming from a f*cking Political Science major over here. Get your heads out of your idealistic asses, you wimps; you don't have Leo's talent or the Bard's brains. You are NOT deep, you are not NEARLY as unique as you think you are, and the world does NOT care about how much you "love your craft." When it comes time for getting a job, the man across the desk from you will not care that you were in the Wyoming State production of Hamlet as the third hag, he will care that you acquired useful skills in college, and that you can function in the modern workplace. Unfortunately, because you spent your college years pretending to be "deep," dressing different because you're "unique," and trying to be socially aloof because somehow you believe you're European at heart, you won't be able to function at all. You will not be familiar with suits (other than in that one production you did of Driving Miss Daisy), because you wore nothing but torn-up nuthugger jeans and too much black, because suits were "conformist." You will have holes from various piercings you did to "stand out" and be "unique." You will have tattoos you designed yourself to be "artsy" and "different."

Very unique, artsy, and non-conformist! Also, very unemployed.

Seriously, no one cares about your "self image." We live in a capitalist society, and if you want to succeed, you have to fit the mold. Bitch and whine if you want, but that's how it works. Suck it up, douchebags; after college, you'll be in the real world, and no one will care about your poetry or how different you are.

Well, no one that's going to offer you a job with a decent salary at least. Have fun serving fat people bad food at McD's.

On that wonderfully positive note, I'm going to end this post, and go back to studying linguistics, in order to satisfy my GE's, for a major I can use. Sleep easy, folks.

Best,
E.Y.H.