Post #5: Cars

Good afternoon dear readers. Just kidding, you're not that dear to me. Just kidding again, you are; your pageviews keep my disgusting electronic ego alive, if only just. If you keep coming back, it's only to read my silly rants and raves.

Not that type of rave.

On that note though, here's today's rant/rave: cars.

"BUT WAIT E.Y.H.," you cry, "YOU'VE ALREADY DONE ONE ON CARS!!! WHAT WOULD CAUSE YOU TO BE REPETITIVE? HOW TRITE! HOW DULL! I'M GOING TO STOP READING YOUR BLOG RIGHT THE F*CK NOW, AND GO PICK MY NOSE WITH A PHILIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER."

Except if it was a Philips head screwdriver, he would most likely not be laughing.

Well, you do that then. Meanwhile, as you gouge your gray matter out with a cold metal spike, I'm going to rant and rave more about cars.

After a rather nice car meet last night- during which my S14 was made to feel incredibly, incredibly pathetic- I decided to write on cars that I like. No, this won't be another post on the silliness of rich children in Riverside (like the bastard that drives a Nissan GT-R AND a Mercedes SL500 at my apartment complex, who I completely DO NOT ENVY. AT ALL. NOPE.), instead it will be a post on cars that I wish to own at some point in my life before the age of 30.

So, on to the list. Requirements for the list are a MSRP of under $25,000 (as of Oct. 29, 2009), decently fast, and no older than 1999. That said, let's name the first three... there may be more to come in the future, but for now, this is all you get:

1) Porsche 911 (996) Carrera 2/2S/4/4S


If the Porsche-howl at 5600 RPM fails to stir your soul and you call yourself a car guy, stop reading my blog. Right now. Leave. I reccomend another site. Like FatChicksInPartyHats, which I will refuse to link to in the interests of saving my soul; Google it if you will. That's probably the sort of thing you'd enjoy... you sick bastard.

No image of fat chicks in party hats provided. Instead, a cute bunny!

Moving on though, it's extremely reliable, mind bogglingly fast even in its lowest trim, has the aforementioned spine-shivering howl, and is perhaps the most enduring car design of all time. On the flip side, repairs will cost an arm an a leg should anything go even vaguely wrong, which it won't: it's a modern day water-cooled 911, and is thus bulletproof.

2) Pontiac GTO


A little boring on the outside? Unquestionably. It screams "fat Cavalier," which is never a good thing. But on the inside, the seemingly dull GTO rocks a 400 HP Chevrolet LS2 engine, lifted straight out of the C6 Corvette. Remember the howl that the Porsche makes? The Pontiac rumbles, grumbles, and THEN unleashes the V8 symphony. Top speed, as near as can be reckoned by Top Gear, 175 MPH, with a 0-60 of 4.6 seconds. That's frighteningly fast. Of course, the downside to this mind blowing power is that it turns like an elephant on roller skates, which is to say it slides with the quickness and grace of a three ton pachyderm. Then again, turning isn't the point of American muscle cars; it's about the straight line, standing quarter mile time. And that is clearly awesome.

3) Nissan 350Z

Now, ostensibly, the Z should be at the top. It has the best balance (though isn't the fastest) of any of the three cars, it's the most reliable, and the VQ35DE is one gorgeous engine. So then, why on earth isn't it at the top? Simple. Tuning.

I don't WANT to tune my car to make it top class. I admit, for a S14 driver, I'm lazy. If I can slap a CAI/Exhaust/Chip on a car and be done with it, that's just fine with me. A Z33 though, is, well, if I may be honest, an extremely bland and/or ugly car unless body modifications are done. In stock form, the front bumper ends too soon, the wheels are a bit dull, and unless it is lowered, it has the appearance of Cledus J. Smith's 4x4, in which he goes and has steamy inbred redneck-cousin loving and then tops it off by spraying Cheez Whiz all over his trailer park while running about in his boxers.

Cledus, for your Holiday Needs. Minus his 4x4 and the Cheez Whiz.

Moving back to the subject though, Z's are simply put, too much work, and I'm far too lazy to make a Z "truly" good. As much as I appreciate a nicely modded/tuned car, I don't have the time nor patience to do it myself. Therefore, I'd rather have the most capable car out of the factory possible... and that's not exactly what a Z delivers. Nevertheless though, it IS a very nice car, and based on its own virtues, it shores this list up at #3.

Anyway, that's it for me today. Maybe I'll continue this list someday, or maybe not; we shall see. For now, I'm off to the paradise that is my linguistics class.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrivederchi!

Best,
E.Y.H.